shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
