Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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