Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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