Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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