it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
