i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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