Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
