1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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