im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
