when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My feet surprised me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
