I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
