Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
