Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
