i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
what day is it and did you see me today?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize