even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
