Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
