i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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