god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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