bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
