nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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