if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
