i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
