I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
