He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
