i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
