apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize