Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We need to get me chipped asap
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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