Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
