I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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