Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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