Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
