A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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