whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
