Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
