Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
