I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
