I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
