I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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