remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
