so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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