i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
