well I can't set my house on fire every night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
