TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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