dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
