Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
