don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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