Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
