A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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