No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
