i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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