next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
