My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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