just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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