The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
