It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
