Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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