i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
