I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
where are my eyebrows?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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