i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
